Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
