Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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