I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
