he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
