So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
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