he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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