She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
