dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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