I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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