You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
