I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
