He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
