So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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