The maid of honor just puked.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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