God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
im about as happy as oj after his trial
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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