please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
