I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
