turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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