We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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