Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
There's even glitter on my cock...
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