Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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