I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
What happened to fro yo and sex?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
