I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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