he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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