I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I need moral support for this bender
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
