if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
