My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
