She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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