Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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