It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
