Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
