Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
ttyl tear gas
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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