There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
