I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
