my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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