i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
