Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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