it wasn't lemon gatorade
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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