Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
