yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
