can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
