I think my vagina is haunted
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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