the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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