I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
