He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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