my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
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