i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
