the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
