I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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