I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
We had to coat check the pizza.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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