I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
