I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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