My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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